Falling Asleep

I haven't blogged in a while and I am going over some of the blogs I wrote in 2009 when I felt awake. I feel like I spent 2010 asleep. Just like a fat boy who fell of the wagon and started binging on food even though he knows it would make him sick or an alcoholic who went back to booze. Old thought patterns of anxiety, upsets and anger  resurfaced. I started working like I used to pushing myself, struggling, feeling overwhelmed. And when I felt overwhelmed I would try and push myself to do more.

It is all very interesting because I know there is a better way. Entire 2009 I lived and practiced a better way. Of accepting what is and not struggling with life. Some people may say well 2010 was probably worse than 2009. Actually in retrospect it was not. The issues were trivial, it was my attitude and how I viewed the issues which made them so important. I did not choose to be upset or angry or unhappy. In fact I did not choose anything. It was habit. Same old mind patterns which I had adopted long long time ago as a child and I was not alert enough to be aware of them. I became my thoughts and I paid the price for it.

2011 I decided I would get back on the wagon. No more unhappiness or anxiety for me. So first step no coffee or caffeine. Since December 2010 I have not had caffeine and it has helped me tremendously. I am able to slow down my thoughts and am able to step back from them. Second step is start working out again. Exercise to me has a hypnotic quality. It helps me shut down my mind and thoughts that flow. Two and half months down the line and I can see huge improvements in my attitude. I am still not where I was in 2009 but I can see signs of quicker recovery. I don't stay upset for more than a few minutes and I don't cling and justify my feeling upset to myself. I am also going to through the whole process of waking up.

When I am awake, I think my thoughts are conscious which means I choose what I think. When I am asleep, thinking happens to me. I have no conscious choice in my thoughts. They happen automatically. We spend most our time asleep. I spent 2010 almost completely asleep identified with my thoughts.

2011 I have shown signs of stirring. May be one day I will wake up again :)