Interesting Day...

I woke up today morning dead tired, my wife was sick. Immediately memories rushed back, she had been extremely sick in 2007 and 2008, bed ridden for a year. I was panicking, anxiety surged, and so did anger. I stood still. Did not react. I watched and waited. A thought flashed through my head "If only she would take care of herself" and then another "If only she would listen to me". And then I laughed, old friends anxiety and control surging to take control of my life and make mine and my wife's life miserable.

I said nothing, I watched and waited. Anger abated, anxiety and tiredness remained. I got up made her some coffee, she was coughing. I gently suggested that she might want to go see a doctor, she said no she did not want to. Anxiety surged forth again. "Why doesn't she listen to me, I know whats good for her" came a thought. I watched and waited, said nothing to her, and watched and again anxiety stayed, the thought left me. This time I did not laugh, I was not alert enough. I walked away, went and had my shower, gave her a hug.

Started getting ready to go to work, and then I went up to her and said "Well how about I ask Kara to come and give you a massage, may clear up your sinuses" and she said yes, she would like that. I called Kara, who is one of the best massage therapist in town, and she said yes she could come over and help Beth with her headache and sinuses.

I felt better. So all in all this was not about her but about me and my anxiety. Two years ago when she extremely sick, this would have become an major point of contention with me feeling my life completely out of control and wanting some illusion of control. And her trying to find some control over her life even if it is refusing medication or refusing to see a doctor. I have finally learnt to respect her life and her space and to accept that there somethings which she does which I see as harmful but it is her right to do it. While I may suggest something, she has the right to choose what is for her and what is not for her.

Accepting that I have no control over my life and the only thing I have control over is my reactions to it has helped. Also watching my thoughts, repetitive patterns which make me want to feel sorry for myself. Anytime I start complaining, feeling sorry for myself I am starting to suffer and suffering is an addiction. I believe that our minds run constantly without stopping and if you dont watch it and are not alert you will fall into your old habits which is to suffer and complain. I still do it and then I catch myself. Today I found me catching myself do it again and again and again.... So all in all a good day :)?